Sunday, November 30, 2008

holy fuck. new post!

Should I cut down on my use of curse words? the word "Fuck" is so ingrained in my vocabulary I use it about every 5th word. I use it instead of other possible adjectives and adverbs..I have probably limited myself and forgotten a large chunk of useful descriptives I once knew.. Is descriptives even a word I can use in this case? I don't fucking know, i can't think of anything else. See what I mean?

I would think people are used to hearing curse words and aren't so surprised by it anymore. When it comes from me, i have noticed that some people are amused by it and perhaps feel invited to be casual around me (which is probably what I intended by it). I have been introduced to new people more than once as "that girl who swears a lot in the emails" "Oohhh her".

But perhaps I should be holding back. What if the image I am portraying is that I am vulgar, immature, and stupid? On friday, a girl at work had a video camera and was filming "Beer o'clock", where everyone gathers in the lounge and drinks and mingles. I was playing pong with Caj, and well, pretty much every time I hit the ball was a time that I missed and a time that i uttered a curse word. Just for fun, and perhaps the shock factor that such words are coming from such a tiny girl, I am like I have Tourette's, and I say gems like "bitch-whore", and in Friday's case i said "Fucking whore" on camera. I regret that now. What if that video is shown to coworkers that don't know me, how would they see me if that's their first impression. There are a lot of women at Weta, and perhaps some of them would take offense to such a curse...

Most of my guy friends find it funny, but I think I have met one person who isn't used to me and perhaps thinks that I am bitching him out when I speak the way I do to him, and I can see he reacts with annoyance. I'm simply trying to offer my friendship in this way, showing that I treat him like I treat any of my friends, you know, "rough-housing" verbally, just like all the guys do with eachother already. But when I do it, I'm a bitch?? (fucking double standards)

I probably shouldn't try too hard to be anything but myself...but at the same time, is it lame? Am I the ass-backwards girl that pushes the boys on the playground and insults them, but really only does it because it's a chance to interact and really wishes for friendship? Am I trying to prove something by being so crude, trying to show I'm cool and I don't give a damn? When really I probably care too much......

What am I gonna do when I have kids? How am I going to stop myself from cursing around them? How am I going to explain that it's bad and that you shouldn't, when I use it so freely and with joy if not even more so than in anger? My kid's gonna get in trouble in school for swearing, and the other parents will advise against their kids hanging out with mine, and my kid's gonna develop a weird complex and not understand why she doesn't have friends. My kids'll probably be fucked up for more reasons than that, but I digress.

What do you think about the use of the word "fuck"? Do you swear as often as I do? Are you going to let your kids curse like you do?

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